I Wait

sprawl in a wrinkled, uneasy bed
old demons and new share the covers
they jabber and snicker, toss and turn
chase away forgetful sleep
eyes on the shadowed ceiling
I wait for sunrise…

pour a cup of bitter, black coffee
greet the ghosts of past friends and lovers
angry and accusing in their stony silence
tears slide down surly cheeks
eyes on the cold, damp floor
I wait for sunset…

pace dingy, dark, shuttered rooms
regrets, fuck-ups, and what-ifs gather
lamplight glints on gunmetal gray
what you sow, so shall you reap
eyes on the bore of eternity
I wait for death’s release

©️2023 jai

Image by eberhard grossgasteiger for rawpixel.com

16 thoughts on “I Wait

  1. Dismal, bleak, pensive and lovely poem, jai. 🖤

    I know I died that one time, but I think I’ve died more times than that. There was a time when I was driving my family through a wooded area where I was unaware they were harvesting lumber. We were headed to the coast, one of those few times I’ve actually seen the ocean, so it was an unfamiliar tiny two-lane dirt road, barely enough room for my car within my lane. The road took us around the side of a cliff and I needed to negotiate a 90-degree turn to the left (meaning we were on the outside lane, about 50 feet down to my right, as I remember). Just as I was maneuvering the turn, a full-size semi truck loaded down with wood took the exact same corner in the opposing lane and laid on his horn (like that was going to help). There was no guard rail. Another hundred yards and we were off the cliff and I pulled over, I was shaking so hard I could barely stand. None of the four of us could explain why we weren’t at the bottom of that cliff and there was a fraction of time, only a few seconds, that I blacked out around that corner. There is a theory called “Quantum Immortality” that posits when we die, we die in a number of finite parallel universes, but we live on in an infinite number of other parallel universes, and the latter is where we continue to reside (https://medium.com/swlh/have-you-died-take-the-quantum-immortality-test-a41d8bda16b2). It’s interesting to contemplate. It doesn’t entirely mesh with the time I died in the ambulance, but it still puzzles me to this day.

    Liked by 1 person

    • In that linked article above, Fagan goes into a lot more detail than I’ve previously read. Apparently, the primary belief is that there are a finite number of universes within which to switch (which makes more sense). It’s a really cool (albeit long) article. 🤔 I subscribe to Medium magazine, but don’t always take the time to review all the articles; I simply find too many that I want to read… 😁

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      • As you probably gathered from my previous comment, I read the article. Thank you for sending the link. I’ve always been interested in subjects considered to be on the fringe, though I think near death experiences are considered mainstream now. I’m a bit of a nerd in that I read a lot of scientific articles. I’ve been told—in a nice way—I have a curious mind by people who probably roll their eyes behind my back. 😂
        You told me something about yourself, so I’ll tell you something about me: when I was a child, I wanted to be an astronaut, but due to poor life choices, that never came close to happening. I hope I live long enough to see Mars colonized. I wish I had been born in a later time so I would be young enough to “go where no man has gone before”. 🖤

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    • That was an interesting read. Of course, I’ve read about multiple timelines but hadn’t heard about the theory of jumping to another timeline when one dies and continuing on there. I probably missed it, but don’t recall what the writer said happened to the consciousness of the body one takes up residence in. Is there a merging? I know people who have had near death experiences, or a deja vu moment, but I’ve never experienced it. But I’m not one who dismisses what others experience just because it hasn’t happened to me. My first husband had a massive heart attack when he was 42. After bypass surgery and on the road to recovery, he told me that Jesus had come to him in his room in intensives care before surgery and talked to him. This from a man who didn’t have a religious bone in his body, before or after the experience. He lived a few more years before developing cardiomyopathy, and ultimately, dying. I like to think he experienced a “jump” and is living a happy life surrounded by grandchildren to spoil. 🖤

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      • I don’t think she directly mentions what is thought becomes of the prior consciousness. She seems to infer an imperfect merging between souls and thus the memory lapses and backyard timeline glitches. I too like to think that the people that I’ve loved and lost continue on in other timelines. 🖤

        Liked by 2 people

      • When my dad died about a year after my mom died, his last words were, “I think I’m gonna go find Ma’am now.”—that’s what he called my mom in their later years. I’d like to think he did…somewhere. 🖤

        Liked by 2 people

  2. It shouldn’t surprise either of us that I wanted to be an astronaut too. 👍 I read a lot of famous biographies, everything by Hitchcock, everything by Christie, most of Asimov, a lot of King (as you know), and a smattering of the fun stuff too: UFOs, Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot/Yeti, Area 51, ESP, Amityville. The bookmobile would come by where I lived once a week and I would check out the maximum-allowed 10 books and 3 albums (usually Stevie Wonder at that time, early disco would come later) and return the previous week’s fare of the same. I was a voracious reader when I wasn’t combing the nearby woods, following the creek leading to the lake, backward, and up the hill to find better spots to go fishing. My salad days, I suppose. You’re more adventurous than I am. Mars would scare the hell out of me. I’d be fine with the moon. 🖤

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am the youngest of seven—fourteen years between me and my oldest sibling. I was introduced to music at an early age. My sisters played Elvis and his contemporaries on the record player, and my mom played country on the radio in the kitchen. My mom passed down her love of reading to my four sisters and me, and I was reading whatever I could get my hands on as soon as I could read for myself. I usually have three books going at any given time. One, a novel; two, a book of short stories; and three, an audiobook. I grew up in the woods on a farm/ranch with creeks and branches nearby, so am well acquainted with fishing. And crawdad catching. 😊
      I think you’d like Mars, Rann. Wouldn’t it be something to terraform it to sustain human life? Maybe I’ll get my chance—in another life. 🖤

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am the eldest of three. As a tot, I called them ‘ecords and my grandmother allowed only me to use her expensive multi-function stereo system. My aunt loved Elvis and my uncle played The Beatles on repeat. Grandma loved Charley Pride, Jim Reeves, and the crass comedy of Redd Foxx, when she wasn’t replaying Bill Cosby’s ‘Noah’ bit. We have very similar backgrounds, though crawdads always gave me the willies with their claws… And I hope you do get your chance! 🖤

        Liked by 1 person

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